Today I am slicing with Two Writing Teachers as part of my blogging challenge with Big Time Literacy.
I have a summer job this year. *sigh* And this last weekend, I sucked at it. Seriously. I have waited tables for a lot of years, but now things are different for me. For one thing, my heart is just not in it. My heart is teaching, planning, and collaborating. And lets face it.... serving is a brutal field of work. I don't just mean the long hours, grueling pace, the sore feet and muscles. Either you have it or you don't. And those who have it, well, freely pass judgment on those they deem not worthy. And as you know, service jobs depend heavily on appearance. Maybe you don't really know, because maybe you've never really thought about it. But your tip is bigger if your server's appearance is appealing to the eye. So if they appear unkempt to you somehow, it diminishes the tip. If your server is less attractive or has physical flaws (or is not young,hip, and trendy), there goes the tip. For real. We think we're not that shallow, but we are. So what does this have to do with anything anyway?
Well, I've been reading the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. She has been talking about how shame affects us. One of the ways we deal with shame is that we react to shame by attaching our self-worth to what we do for a living or to our talents and how people react to us. She says "You've handed over your self-worth to what people think." This is totally me. I underlined it. So last weekend at work, when I was sucking, I clothed myself in my insecurity~ wrapped it around me like a warm coat on a cold day. And I realized that my success is largely based on the "warm fuzzies" I get from those around me. If I work with people who ignore me or treat me like I am part of the problem, I get really flustered. Often I can't overcome what it does to my self-confidence. Last Saturday I couldn't get people in the kitchen to help me correct the problem when food came out wrong early in my shift, so then the entire evening I felt like I was one step behind and like I was trying to get my mojo back. I had that "aha" moment thinking, this is exactly what the book is referring to. I have to take back my power. But how?
I don't know the answer. But a lot of my life lately is reading, analyzing, working, analyzing, planning, analyzing. And some of it feels good, some of it just feels like work. And like.... blah. That's a descriptive term, right? The truth is, I might need some medical help to overcome my "rough patch" (more commonly referred to as depression) but I am reluctant and hope that exercise, blogging (which is sort of like therapy), and eating better (I'd say eating right, but then I think about what I had for lunch.... hmmmm), and more sleep will be enough to overcome this obstacle that brings me down and sometimes binds me up.
That is just a slice.A slice of my everyday life.