Daring Greatly and some randomosity

Completely random thoughts:
I feel pretty when I feel skinny.
I know this is a control issue. When I control what I intake, I exert some amount of control over my otherwise uncontrollable life. It's actually about power. But my stomach is empty. I feel thin, and that starts a chain reaction that empowers me to think of myself in a positive light. Then I feel beautiful.

What if I posted and entire post of random thoughts. It wouldn't be so hard to write then I bet! Since I am a new twitter person (what are tweeters called?) I now think in the form of hashtags in my head. #nomorewritersblock is the first one I thought of. I really don't know how it all works on twitter, I'll most likely make a fool of myself. But... wait for it..... #thisfooldon'tcare.

Today is Daring Greatly day, or whatever else we write about for our blogging challenge and I'm a week behind. But I'm determined to finish the book. It is getting compelling now. I am scribbling notes in the margins. So... Michelle is on Chapters 5 and 6 this week and I'm still finishing chapter 4. In my defense, Chapter 4 appears to be longer than 5 and 6 put together. Link up and read what other bloggers are posting about http://bigtimeliteracy.blogspot.com/2015/07/in-search-of-balance.htmlin this challenge, and see what Daring Greatly chapters 5 & 6 are all about. Me, I am posting reflections on Chapter 4.

Chapter 4: The Vulnerability Armory. This is just what it says.... what arsenal and armor do we use to hide our vulnerable and weak parts of ourself? The author names three different kinds of armor: Foreboding Joy, Perfectionism, and Numbing.

Foreboding joy is about how when we begin to experience joy we then squash that feeling with a feeling or sense of foreboding. We've all done it. This one got REALLY BIG in my life when my best friend lost her baby to SIDS. I remember dropping my daughter off at the Y for a swimming birthday party and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't rejoice in her joy and laughter, all I could think about what that God might not bring her back to me. My daughter's life is not in my control and that reality shadowed every moment when I should have been drinking in the joy of her beautiful life and I couldn't just rejoice in her.

Perfectionism. I don't think I have to explain this one. But when the author talks about ways that perfectionism robs us, I really related with this: "....research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement. Perfectionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities." The terms "life paralysis" and "missed opportunities" really rang with me. I have often talked about living life with a paralyzing fear that prevents me from really living. I go through cycles where I am better at overcoming than at other times. I have said that part of the miracle of getting our habitat house is that I actually applied. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I can easily defeat myself before I even start on something.

Numbing. Anything that keeps us from feeling the pain. It could be staying busy. It could come in other forms.... pills, television, technology, etc. Apparently, according to the author, the identifier of what numbing is would be why you do something, not what you do. "Where is the line between pleasure and comfort and numbing?" The author's example includes this: "you can eat a piece of chocolate as a hold wafer of sweetness-- a real comfort-- or you can cram an entire chocolate bar into your mouth without even tasting it in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself-- a shadow comfort."

The author goes on to discuss the antidotes for each form of armor and how we can practice overcoming. I really, really want to gain the tools for overcoming my fears and to say I am enough and I've had enough. I try to show up, but let's face it, I am more disengaged than I care to admit. Sometimes it makes me cry, but so far it hasn't motivated me to actually BE PRESENT in the lives of the people I love. Ouch. That was pretty doggone honest right there.

This chapter is when the rubber starts to meet the road and there starts to be some hope. And after the beating I took reading chapter three and feeling hopeless and helpless I needed it.

On a little side note.... I took one of those goofy quizzes on fb, what 70's theme song describes you? I got Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive." Appropriate? I think so.

Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I!