Daring Greatly, Chapter 3, study week 2

I am rising to Michelle's challenge at BTL, blogging every day in July. She is hosting a book study for the book, Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown. This week we are discussing chapter three this week. So far this was the most difficult chapter to read. A lot of psychology, I might even say psycho-babble. Seriously, it's deep, in an emotional sense. Chapter 3 is titled: Understanding and Combating Shame. The author describes what shame is and how shame is something much more than guilt. This is all old information. The first quote in the chapter that really jumped out at me was on p. 61, and the author responds to the question was phrased like this: "I'm pretty bad at vulnerability, but I"m really good at shame. Is getting past shame necessary for getting to vulnerability?" Her answer was: "Yes. Shame resilience is key to embracing our vulnerability. We can't let ourselves be seen if we're terrified by what people might think. Often 'not good at vulnerability' means that we're damn good at shame." She goes on to explore reasons we shame ourselves, how it starts, the crazy shaming culture we live in, what shame is and why we have such a hard time talking about it. I have known for a long time that guilt is when do something bad but that shame is when I AM bad. The author says that guilt is as powerful as shame but it has a positive influence. I say that guilt is either positive or negative and we have a choice, but shame, shame is always negative.

I guess the part that was so difficult for me was..... I don't know. It was all hard for me. The author gives examples, and it was almost like speaking that shame to myself and I felt myself crawling into a dark hole. I know that I am not who I used to be, but I beat myself up daily. I try to do that affirmation in the mirror thing. I try to remind myself on a regular basis that I am a good person, that everyone makes mistakes and that I'm smart.

The author talks about body image and how we are cultured to put ourselves down, and compare. And how shame is universal, that although the ways we shame ourselves is different, men and women both combat this. One point when the author is talking about this I was reminded the of the episode of friends when Rachel is dating Paul (Bruce Willis) and she wants him to open up to her and when he does open up, he just can't stop the emotion from coming.

We want men to "open up" but then we aren't prepared for it, or really even that nice about it.

I think that this chapter is the turning point, but the truth is, it left me heavy hearted. I want to start hearing about positive growth that will happen when I face my pain. Yesterday I came to the point that I just felt "icky" and realized it had to do with the reading in this chapter. I considered skipping the last few pages, but I made it through.

I could draw a lot of correlations about things in this chapter and changes and challenges in my own life, but they are, you know, really private. So I am not posting them here.